What my journey as a life coach and trailing spouse has taught me about reconnecting with myself after relocation and kids.
In a recent conversation with a friend, I realised something very heartening ‘I think I feel like myself again!’
This realisation came as I discussed my summer trip back to the UK (where I’m from) from Singapore (where I’ve lived for six years). I compared my experience this time with my trip to Europe four years ago, when we last went back.
Four years ago my trip was mentally and emotionally necessary. As a stay-at-home mum living in a Foreign Country, I felt like I’d lost my identity. I’d paused my career in finance, causing a loss of professional identity, and been displaced from family, life-long friends and the culture I’d grown up in. Going back 'home' made me feel like the ‘real me’ again and I was at a point when I really needed that reminder.
Move forward to this year and it was a different emotional experience. Whilst reconnection with family and friends was forefront, it was more about being in the moment, sharing the here and now and reigniting important relationships to see me through another stint away. It didn’t feel like I was healing myself this time. Last time it did.
So, what's changed? Why has there been a shift?
I've worked on healing myself in my everyday life. I've been intentional in understanding myself through study, reading, reflecting and talking, both on my own and with therapists and coaches.
I’m looking after myself better – I’ve improved my diet, exercise and self-care routines and made a commitment to myself to preserve them. I have wobbles but I use my coach to keep me on track. I know what I like to do, who I like to do it with and I’m much more purposeful in my choices.
I have a professional persona once again, something to give me purpose and definition as an individual beyond being a wife and mum.
I am proud of and feel connected to my professional persona. I was proud of the intellectual status that my previous career gave me and what I achieved but it never really felt true to me and my values – I have now aligned what is important to me with what I’m doing.
I have more time for myself. I loved being with my kids and it was a conscious choice to stay home with them whilst they were little but it was hard. I suffered huge mum-guilt in taking time for myself, as I saw my ‘job’ and ‘purpose’ as raising kids and adopted a similar mindset to the one I’d had in my career – no breaks, not even for food and sleep! I've changed this.
I’ve gathered an amazing support crew in Singapore and learned that solid, established on-the-ground relationships are essential for my mental well-being.
My three top tips:
As a Life Coach and Trailing Spouse, my three top tips for new trailing spouses are:
Invest in really understanding yourself (your values, beliefs, passions, dreams, habits) and nurturing yourself. It's not selfish, it's essential.
Align what you learn about yourself with how you’re investing your time, be it work, leisure or a vocation.
Gather your support crew – friends, family, professionals – and be purposeful about getting the support you need.
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